I have never had a moment where I smiled - on both the inside and the outside - and I don’t know why that is. I could think all day about why I’m not happy, but I’ll never be able to figure it out. I have had moments of overwhelming existential dread at times where I was supposed to be enjoying my life, at times where I was supposed to feel the warmth that familial love radiates. I felt that warmth, yes, but I was merely a passing struggler taking refuge from life’s cold, bitter winter. I have no fire of my own, I don’t even have the kindling.


I suppose you’ve cried over me, I haven’t yet but I want to, I wish I wasn’t a male because then I wouldn’t feel so embarrassed about it. That’s not something I do for fun. I don’t ruin loves for fun. Please believe me. I’m crying now. Being mean to people on the internet. Too mean sometimes, why was that fun? I hate everyone and you know that, I don’t hate the two of you but if I could I’d love to

Do you think I’m OK
Do you think it was easy
I’m crying now
Do you think I forgot the mushrooms
Or the Wolf Parade
Crack my goddamn skull you stupid shit head

I did a new thing
Something you like doing
My upper forearm
It’s still bleeding but it didn’t hurt so bad

The blade got stuck
Delayed cut
My skin gave way and let it rip
I felt relief
I felt relief
It’s dangerous

I did that thing again
Threw words at you
I was hoping that
That they’d gain weight
So they could bruise you
Not too heavy though

The same weight as your favorite book at least
Hit you right on the forehead
Or square on the nose
I want to watch your light leave you